| Warning: The following text may contain depressing issues that may cause discomfort towards you. If you are weak at heart or emotionally unstable, please do not continue reading from this point on. From here on are my personal thoughts and feelings. You have been warned. |
So usually when people ask this kind of question most people would say “Sunset” or “Sunrise”. Both are good answers however I prefer Dusk.
So why Dusk? As far as I’m concerned Dusk is the time of day where the sun has set beyond the point of sight but still shines it’s light enough for us to know that it’s still there before night has fallen and the moon to shine. Another reason is because I like sunset over sunrise because after everything during the day, the night comes and there is another stage to experience. This could mean doing exactly the same as during the day except during the night. Let us take summer for example: We have a BBQ on the beach and everyone is in their swimwear and enjoying the heat, then the night comes and everyone is sitting around the fireplace roasting marshmallows with towels around them to keep the chilling winds from hitting too hard. Both on the beach and yet everyone is having a great time together as day goes into night.
Sounds wonderful right? However did you know, no matter how much you wish for that moment to last forever. How you could stop and live that time over and over again; You can’t. Dusk will always come after sunset and nightfall shall always follow soon after.
Time will continue on and tomorrow will always come.
I’ve had a bad few days. My dearest was taken into hospital and I forced my way into staying with her. I spent 27 hours total in the same hospital next to her as she was recovering. I was there to wake her up hourly because the doctors needed to do blood tests; I was there when they struggled and she cried because of the pain; I was there seeing her suffer. I cried as she was asleep from all of this. Not because I knew what she was going through and not because I was witnessing her in that state but because there was nothing I could do to make everything better for her. I couldn’t cast a spell to make her instantly better. There was nothing I could do except watching her and hoping that she will get better soon.
I’m an emotional wreck.
Previous to that I was caught in a downpour of rain which gave me a heck of a headache. Stuck in costume boots and feeling (and quite likely smelling) like a wet dog for a good 24 hours. The hospital was so chilling because the air con was on and during the 27 hours I only managed to get 1 hour’s worth of sleep. I already knew I was going to be ill but I was so focused on making sure that she was going to be okay that I didn’t care about my health what so ever.
She got discharged. She made enough of a recovery to be able to leave the hospital but I was still worried. She may have been back to normal statistically but I still wanted to make sure she was going to be already at least for the next day or two. However I was not able to be there for her and that cause so much frustration at my end. I wanted to make sure that she made a full recovery even after leaving the hospital. To make sure she was getting good aftercare.
I took the train home on Sunday and as shameful as it is to admit this but I was crying on the platform. I would like to think its cause of the pent up frustration but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was also because of my health that I was emotionally and mentally weaker.
After getting home, my health was worse than I thought. I was clearly ill, I had a lack of concentration, no appetite. And yet all I had in my head was her.
Have you ever had nightmares so bad that you never wanted to go back to sleep the next day? Well I had that except that I was so tired that I couldn’t help but sleep and fall back into nightmares. We’re not talking about nightmares that scare you about what is in the night, I’m talking about ones that you fear about losing loved ones. It was so bad that I wasn’t sleeping properly and earlier today I crashed and fell asleep and in that nightmare I was crying all over again because my mind had taken images from what happened in real life and created situations where I would lose her.
We can’t help who we love. Who we care and who we cherish about.
Thank you for making it to the end. I don’t expect any pity or sympathy as the reason why I made this post was because of how much it was hurting just to think about and writing it down felt like the closure that was necessary to help me move on.
Here is a video for those who made it all the way. Thank you.
Nexless 