It is all in your head.

Happy 2017 one and all.

So I would go ask about how you’re all doing but to be honest, this entry is about some of my darker thoughts. From here on out, things might not make sense and are most likely to have an negative effect.

 

So here is a small update from what happened since last time/over the new year.

I ended 2016 with a very significant positive point. I got a job.

The last two weeks of the year, I did more than 60 hours worth of work.

I was very proud of myself.

I got paid.

 

Then the end of the year started coming around.

Now, I don’t usually find astrology as something that is particularly believable but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t believe in it at all.

So I watch this video that was targeted at Libra’s such as myself and everything was pretty generic, all till the very end where they stated that 2017 will have a super rough start but if we bare through it then things will get better.

 

This message made quite an impact on me. And not shockingly, already begin to take effect.

I found out that one of my dearest friends might have cancer. At the moment it isn’t terminal or anything, she is still getting tests done but shit is beginning to hit the fan with her. She recently broke up with her boyfriend and all I want to do is stay with her and make her happy. Even if it means she has limited time cause of said topic.

My work hours got cut.

Went to friend’s house for new years and as happy as I was to see then, I was envious. I wanted what they had and it hurt knowing that I didn’t have anyone at all.

I’ve become desperate all over again to receive affection. So much that I am physically trying to stop myself from being so clingy to others and scaring them off with my pathetic actions.

 

long story short (TL:DR): it actually makes me want to cry because  neither am I where I want to be in life and because the present right now is so emotionally crippling me that I’m losing will power to overcome this.

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What is your favourite time of day?

| Warning: The following text may contain depressing issues that may cause discomfort towards you. If you are weak at heart or emotionally unstable, please do not continue reading from this point on.  From here on are my personal thoughts and feelings. You have been warned.  |

 

So usually when people ask this kind of question most people would say “Sunset” or “Sunrise”. Both are good answers however I prefer Dusk.

So why Dusk? As far as I’m concerned Dusk is the time of day where the sun has set beyond the point of sight but still shines it’s light enough for us to know that it’s still there before night has fallen and the moon to shine. Another reason is because I like sunset over sunrise because after everything during the day, the night comes and there is another stage to experience. This could mean doing exactly the same as during the day except during the night. Let us take summer for example: We have a BBQ on the beach and everyone is in their swimwear and enjoying the heat, then the night comes and everyone is sitting around the fireplace roasting marshmallows with towels around them to keep the chilling winds from hitting too hard. Both on the beach and yet everyone is having a great time together as day goes into night.

Sounds wonderful right? However did you know, no matter how much you wish for that moment to last forever. How you could stop and live that time over and over again; You can’t. Dusk will always come after sunset  and nightfall shall always follow soon after.

Time will continue on and tomorrow will always come.

 

I’ve had a bad few days.  My dearest was taken into hospital and I forced my way into staying with her. I spent 27 hours total in the same hospital next to her as she was recovering. I was there to wake her up hourly because the doctors needed to do blood tests; I was there when they struggled and she cried because of the pain; I was there seeing her suffer. I cried as she was asleep from all of this. Not because I knew what she was going through and not because I was witnessing her in that state but because there was nothing I could do to make everything better for her. I couldn’t cast a spell to make her instantly better. There was nothing I could do except watching her and hoping that she will get better soon.

I’m an emotional wreck.

Previous to that I was caught in a downpour of rain which gave me a heck of a headache. Stuck in costume boots and feeling (and quite likely smelling) like a wet dog for a good 24 hours. The hospital was so chilling because the air con was on and during the 27 hours I only managed to get 1 hour’s worth of sleep. I already knew I was going to be ill but I was so focused on making sure that she was going to be okay that I didn’t care about my health what so ever.

She got discharged. She made enough of a recovery to be able to leave the hospital but I was still worried. She may have been back to normal statistically but I still wanted to make sure she was going to be already at least for the next day or two. However I was not able to be there for her and that cause so much frustration at my end. I wanted to make sure that she made a full recovery even after leaving the hospital. To make sure she was getting good aftercare.

 

I took the train home on Sunday and as shameful as it is to admit this but I was crying on the platform. I would like to think its cause of the pent up frustration but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was also because of my health that I was emotionally and mentally weaker.

 

After getting home, my health was worse than I thought. I was clearly ill, I had a lack of concentration, no appetite. And yet all I had in my head was her.

Have you ever had nightmares so bad that you never wanted to go back to sleep the next day? Well I had that except that I was so tired that I couldn’t help but sleep and fall back into nightmares. We’re not talking about nightmares that scare you  about what is in the night, I’m talking about ones that you fear about losing loved ones. It was so bad that I wasn’t sleeping properly and earlier today I crashed and fell asleep and in that nightmare I was crying all over again because my mind had taken images from what happened in real life and created situations where I would lose her.

 

We can’t help who we love. Who we care and who we cherish about.

 

Thank you for making it to the end. I don’t expect any pity or sympathy  as the reason why I made this post was because of how much it was hurting just to think about and writing it down felt like the closure that was necessary to help me move on.

Here is a video for those who made it all the way. Thank you.

What happened to me last Saturday.


Edit: There is some mature themes and some uncomprehending topic jumping in the following text. You have been warned.

 


Oh dear me. Looks like it’s that time again where I go ahead and write what’s going on because of blah.

 

So, firstly, Hi how are you? Are you some kind of M? Is that why you’re currently reading this? Or perhaps you’re a S and you just like to see me suffer for your own satisfaction? *Shrugs* Whatever it is, go ahead and get a cup of tea. Don’t worry, I’ll still be here for you to read when you get back. Unless your device dies.. in which case, sorry in advance!

 

Right then. So if you’re reading this I’m assuming you’ve been seeing my recent updates where I  posted a couple of anime review’s. Different isn’t it? Want to know why? A friend of mine told me to get in contact with them and write reviews for them. Sound good right? Unfortunately I didn’t hear much from them after sending them the review. Though all is not lost, I mean I learn that I could correctly write 500 works without going off topic. Want to see the paragraph I cut out because I went off on a tangent ?

“From the previous paragraph, all I can say is that this anime is slow. Not slow in the way that it is boring, but slow as in the way you want it to be. Think herbs being cut and releasing its fragrance as you place them into a slow cooker and then hours later, opening that pot you had been roasting the herbs and meat in and being satisfaction from all the effort, time and patience you put in. Or perhaps sitting in the garden on a hot summer’s day and watching that hardened frozen ice cream tub slowly melting in the heat as you spoon the thawed ice cream into towards your mouth and enjoy the cold feeling as that travels from your lips to the rest of your body.”

 

Yep, that’s pretty much food porn. I’m happy that I wrote it but unfortunately it didn’t help with my word limit so I had to cut it out and because it wasn’t very professional.

 

So what happened? Am I depressed again? Nope. I did the cycle again where I went from being alone and use to it to suddenly being social and then crashing because I was all alone again. Starting to sound like a clingy teenager right? This does continue. (You have been warned)

 

So on Saturday I went to the Cardiff Cosplay Geek Meet. It was fun. No like seriously, I enjoyed myself. I didn’t sleep the night before and took my planned train to meet up with a couple of friends of mine (Fruitcake and Cream) on the actual train itself. It was interesting because they brought another friend they knew and I had never met them before. So *Yay* testing my social skills to begin with and I’m only 20 minutes into the day.

 

Arrived at the location and met up with more friends… at this point, they’re more acquaintances than anything else. Only because I consider friends to be people I actually bother thinking about.  Anyway, after them I actually met with a friend and had a cigarette with them. I kind of needed it because of the sudden blast of social interactions and lack of sleep.

 

You don’t know this but I’m actually sighing a lot as I write this out.

 

Right, breaking pace here. What do you think love is? Don’t worry, there is no wrong answer here but I am going to write down my own opinion. Take it from a single being of about 3 years. Love is something that can easily be confused with lust. The desire to jump into bed with someone else or just to touch them are examples of lust. This usually has a lot of stigma behind it as that’s how the whole “slut shaming” culture comes from (I’m referring to both male and female as sluts at this point). If you don’t understand what “slut shaming” is, it’s the action of negatively bashing on another person because they have a lot of sexual activity with multiple individuals.

 

Sounds bad right? I mean, no one wants to get *boo* at. Personally I’m okay with it as long as it’s between consenting parties, regardless of how many individuals are involved. Now let’s be clear here, I’m not one of those because I’ve had lots of sexual partners, in fact I’ll even admit that I’ve only had 2. However, I’m guilty in terms of thinking about lust.

 

What is your first thought if you someone told you that they masturbate while thinking of you? I’m sure most of you thought think “Ew” or “Get the fuck out!”. I however think the opposite. Why? Because it takes a lot of courage and trust for people who know you to openly admit to something like that, of course that a whole different thing if a stranger just randomly says it but let’s keep this between friends. A friend of mine couldn’t tell me by voice so instead wrote down on her phone while sitting next to me about all the things she had thought, dreamt and even wished about. To me this was very sweet and endearing but at the same time unfortunately I couldn’t reciprocate back to her. Of course I told her that I was flattered because she found me attractive to think of me in that way but not having my feelings match kind of made it hard for her to accept my side. Arguably you could say this was a seduction technique but from where I was standing I just couldn’t do that to them since our feelings didn’t matched. This didn’t end badly or anything because we ended up sleeping in the same bed till morning and it was the same like any other time.

 

So back to the previous point, Lust. I’ve thought over a few ladies in my life in such a way, Heck I’ve even pointlessly flirted with many of them but the one thing I can safely say is that I don’t act on my lust, no matter how strongly I feel towards them. I sound pretty beta right now don’t I? I am my own *cockblock*. Simply be, I have acted on them in the past and been burnt because of it but at the same time because I worried about negatively changing the way they think about me I have lost good opportunities to be more with the people I care about. Shameful thing to admit here is that in my two previous relationships the girls were the ones who had asked me out.

 

A lot of us want it all; Lust and love. But those who have had their hearts broken before fear that it may they might only get lust or love instead of both. So back to the topic before, What do you think love is? Love is something you can have a deep and meaningful connection with another person who also responds back in the same way. Question is, how do we get that? Go too quickly and there is a good chance that lust will blind and confuse you. Go too slow and there is no lust between the people and that’s how friendships are formed. Or is it?

 

“Like, someone you always find yourself with?”

“and you go, “She’s interesting.””?

“She’s fun”?

“You can talk about anything.”

“You don’t want anyone taking her away.”

“You want to hold hands.”

“You want to kiss her.”

“Maybe even go all the way.” – ReLIFE ep.12

 

Funny how anime could remind me to think in this way, anyway continuing on. So after much thought I came to the conclusion of: The people you know most are those who are the dearest. Translation: the more you love them in terms of friendship, the more you’ll be able to love them in a relationship (maybe).

 

I know many people who have just met someone for the first time and within a month of talking to them, asked them out. This works for some but not for others. In fact I’m a little jealous of them because of how successful they are because of it. Ironically, I think I’ve asked a few people out and had been rejected by them all. But currently my thought path has been this: You know a person, you like that person, you learn to be around each other and then if there is any desire or even answering yes to the anime quotations above then it sounds like a relationship you’re willing to pursue. But remember, it might not be matching. They might not feel the same way no matter how they behave. No matter what you’re willing to do for them. Just because they smile and say ‘thank you’ to you, does not they’re interested in you as a partner.

 

Don’t mistake kindness for flirtation.

 

Read the rules and use common sense. If they’re in a relationship and they’re close to you, that does not give you permission to selfishly think about your happiness by sabotaging another person’s feelings. We all want to be happy. I know just as much as anyone else in this case but if you have to hurt a person to force your own happiness then you won’t be making a relationship but instead creating a lie. True happiness in relationships only occur when all parties consent and feel the same way.

 

Let’s turn this down a notch. I was sleeping over a friend’s house (and yes I do love this person and she is the person who I would do anything and everything for. ) and after spending the entire day with them, we went to sleep. Now what is possibly the worst thing that can happen at night in which you wouldn’t want to embarrass yourself by? Falling out of bed? Snoring? Well I don’t know about you but subject here is farting. Sounds disgusting right? Yet with this person, I didn’t mind in the slightest. We were meant to be asleep and she just farted in her sleep. It seems like she’s the only person among my friends who I genuinely wouldn’t mind. Don’t get me wrong, if this happened from my other friends then I’m sure they didn’t mean it and I’d simply throw them the “It’s okay, it’s a natural thing that just came out”. Or if they did do it on purpose then “WTF?! Go to the bathroom or something”. But yeah, is it love when you can accept something like this from them? Accepting all the good and bad things about them and understand that can be recognized as love, but don’t let it turn into obsession.

 

Back to the Saturday story: So after everyone went to the hang out spot, a friend and I had our cigarette and went to go meet up with another friend who was driving in but was late because of the lack of parking spaces. Let’s call her Kami and the cigarette friend: Cookie. Kami gave us the run about because she was trying to be kind by meeting us at the hang out spot. Cookie and I had already left to go towards forbidden planet so if anything we were already on route to meeting up with Kami. Long story short: Met up with Kami, did our business and all went back to the hang out spot.

 

You’re going to have to excuse the lost parts of my memories.

We had fun, we hung out;

Took pictures;

Even witness fan girls. By fan girls I mean Fruitcake being all shy and telling me how Kami is pretty as I loudly repeat it to Kami. *Evil laugh*

We played bowling, Got beaten by the Kami;

Had a gin and tonic and had her take a sip without telling her what it was *Grins*;

Fireman lifted Fruitcake, Told Josh to spank her. (He didn’t) then threw her onto the cushioned seating  at the bowling stage.

 

Sounds fun right? Not going to lie.. I don’t remember much after that. I think the combination of not sleeping; hadn’t eaten; drinking and smoking didn’t help. The next part I remember is meeting a guy who I had met many years ago because of an ex and told him what had happened then hugging goodbye to people. At this point we were on the train and was playing footie’s with Fruitcake because she thought she was strong enough to challenge me. She wasn’t *Heh*, though it was nice as it kept have my legs warm.

 

So, time for the evening. I had said my goodbyes to Fruitcake and Cream on the train and sat for 20 minutes for my train stop. During this time I had pulled out the ribbon from my bag and cut it to shape. My plan was to go over a friend’s house (of which I had been invited to the birthday party) and on the way there, to pick up some alcohol and tie it with the ribbon I had cut. This plan was interrupted in the most unexpected way possible. Turns out on the same train, Steff had already contacted Fox and Fox was at the station waiting to pick her up. Well.. my plan kind of went out of the window.. Got into Fox’s car, arrived at the house of the party. Told Fox to leave the door open for me as I paced to the shops down the road to salvage what little of the plan I had. Spent 10 minutes talking to the cashier as he made small talk and laughs about how I buying alcohol as a last minute present. Then a random lady joined in as she noticed how I was tying the ribbon to the neck of the bottle. Got back to the house; entered; suddenly seeing a face of people in the living room. First response? “Well there’s a lot of people here” *laughs loudly to hide my sudden nervousness*. Called the birthday girl over (Let’s call her Princess) and proceeded with the following:

“Hey you~” Princess grabs me by the hand and pulls me towards the door of the bedroom, just enough for the other to see that we might be off fucking;

Laughs and re-enter the room;

“I heard you might like this” while pulling out the obvious chocolate in my chest pocket that I bought had for her;

“Aw thank you” as she gives me a hug after accepting them;

I pushed her back and reached for my back pocket “if you like that then you’re going to love this” and presents the alcohol;

She lets out a little bit of a cheeky/orgasmic “Ooh”;

Then we enter the kitchen and scene.

Jokes aside, we entered the kitchen and had a quick catch up. People began entering the kitchen too and we were just socialising before we all went back into the living room.

At this point, pizza was being pulled out of the oven and people had gone up to help while the rest of us were just sitting and watching the TV.

People were eating and because the pizzas were made for them, I reached into my pocket and took out the last piece of gum I had. After food, I was sitting next to Steff and she had a binder on. She made a point to complain about it so I told her to take it off. Funnily enough, she wasn’t the first person to do it that day as Cookie had also done the same earlier. Steff took it off in front of everyone and made it a point to mention that she could feel her nipples again as she looked down at me. I laughed as I could see them through the shirt she was wearing.

 

A little later, after talking to everyone and getting comfortable.  A drinking game was to take place. Princess went ahead and mixed me a good whiskey and ginger ale and proceeded to play “never have I ever”. At this point, I don’t remember much at all. But here are the few things I happen to remember.

Spanking Princess as she walks pass;

Watching her spank others;

Michael admitting to being a pet with a very pretty pad lock necklace and cursing Vic for losing the key. For some reason I offered to pick the lock but he smiled and said, “it is what it is”;

Jo flashing her knickers (they were boring and plain white);

Gerry being on a Skype call because he couldn’t make it over from Ireland;

Getting spanked by Steff for touching the underside of her thigh then being asked how they felt (they were nice btw);

Resting my legs on Princess as we were sitting on a somewhat 90 degree angle from each other;

Michael rubbing Princess’s crotch;

Michael then hugging my resting legs on Princess and resting his face on my feet;

Michael nibbling on my ankles, told him if he really wanted to do it then he should *pointed at my neck*and begged me to not let him start;

And nachos.

 

This was pretty much the end as we thought Jo and Princess had pissed off and went to the bedroom to Ahem. So I said my goodbyes and got my round of hugs before Princess came back and gave me a hug and protested about my leaving.

“you’re not available enough!” she claimed.

“Maybe next time.” as I let go from the hug and followed Fox out the door.

 

Fox drove me home where I had made a 10 minute oven pizza around 1/2 in the morning and ate it. I think it’s safe to say that you should always watch the time for eating because having your first meal in over 24 hours is a bad idea. And made worse due to the drinking and smoking.

 

If you have read to the end then I applaud you. Thank you for taking an interest in my life and following on how I just jumped from point to point in a chaotic fashion. Now go get yourself another well deserved cup of tea.

Or a muffin.

Or a donut!

I like donuts.

“Tanaka-kun wa Itsumo Kedaruge” Overview


| Warning: The following text may contain spoilers to the anime and are purely opinion based. See Here for synopsis and other factual details on this anime. |


 

“Tanaka-kun is Always Listless” is the English translation for this anime and what is “listless”? Listless is the manner of lacking enthusiasm, interest or energy within a person.

The beginning of this anime Tanaka is laying in the shade of a tree on school grounds. While the camera takes its time to capture the worry-less Tanaka bathing on the cushion of the grass as the breeze of the wind comforts him as he sleeps. His friend Oota, large in stature and what could only be described as ‘Yankee’ with dirty blonde hair approaches Tanaka and asked “what are you doing?”. These are the show’s main characters.

Tanaka is the living example of the word lazy. Pale, thin and feminine, he is often lethargic and so uninterested that he could fall asleep or stare at nothing. The story tells us how this individual goes through his daily life and how such simple things bother him. Tanaka admires peace and does not like this being taken away from him. This usually means if there are things he has to put effort into then he would rather not bother with it to begin with. For example because of how slow walks he is, he would never buy anything perishable from the supermarket as products such as ice cream would often just melt by the time he arrives home. Though that being said, Tanaka is lazy enough that he would put some effort in if it meant he could be even more lazy later on.

His friend Oota is not only aware of Tanaka’s listlessness but he is also very supportive of it. Oota’s large physique means that he often helps people out whenever he can and would help Tanaka by looking after him and carrying him under his arm between classes, just so Tanaka is not late. I think it is fair to say that Oota enables Tanaka’s listlessness but his caring personality often shines through in his own dependable and loving way. That and the rest of his class do not want to look after Tanaka.

As the story goes on, we get introduced to other characters such as Miyano who is a short, energetic and loud girl who wishes to be a mature and mysterious girl and believes that if she copies Tanaka’s way of life that she can obtain her wish. This does not come without its own lot of shenanigans as a few more other characters also get introduced through this and causes problems for Tanaka’s listless lifestyle.

Overall this anime is a very leisurely paced anime which is super light-hearted that you cannot help but enjoy the same laze that Tanaka feels. It is a very endearing anime which will make you appreciate the character interactions and maybe make you think or wish that your own relationship with friends were similar. Either way you will get a few laughs and is something to watch if you need something to cheer you up.

Happy Watching.

“Sakamoto Desu Ga” Overview


| Warning: The following text may contain spoilers to the anime and are purely opinion based. See Here for synopsis and other factual details on this anime. |


 

Sounds weird right? Sounds like someone’s full name or something that just doesn’t click to us non-Japanese speaking viewers and yet this anime is very slice of life -like. To be honest it looks far too fashionable for what it seems on the google images. Dare I even say, it looks like an anime purely based for individuals who like slim, slender, elegant, glasses-wearing boys and yet this anime is what I dreamt to be when I was in school.

Lets get down to the basics oh this anime: The story revolves around the main character (who happens to be presented in the title) Sakamoto. We follow Sakamoto on this story of his daily life in high school and how he “tackles” the typical issues that occurs in said school. Now this is not much of a spoiler but Sakamoto is the coolest guy in the entire school. How do we know this, well in most episodes there is a ten second introduction where a very aged and experienced narrator takes his time to sit you down and just softly mention to you that Sakamoto is not only cool, but also cooler and coolest. This by itself is enough to take an interest in what this narrator has to show and that is only the first ten seconds of the actual anime.

So what got me interested in this anime? Am I one of those individuals that I mentioned previously? Nope. What caught my attention was a single .Gif image where we see Sakamoto sitting on the open window sill after seeing his school desk and chair missing. The hooking part was when Sakamoto took his place at the window sill and the wind elegantly brushes his hair to revel the sophistication of this mysterious character who is Sakamoto. And if this is not enough to capture your attention, the stunning awe is reflected back onto the entire classes reaction as you can see the girls fall in love and the boys also falling in love and, or being jealous of the situation. To think this short five-ten second .Gif was enough for me to try out the first episode and I am so glad that I did.

From this point, the story tells us about Sakamoto and his interactions with each character to show us how suave, resourceful and gentleman-like Sakamoto really is and how we can either fall in love with him too or aspire to be like him.

So would I recommend this anime? Yes, if everything you have read previous to this has appealed to you. Or if you’re interested in watching an anime which has comedic value, relatable scenes or able to take an anime which could be possible in the real world but is highly unlikely. At the very least I would recommend that you try at least one episode as the anime is a change of pace from most other animes, including the ones in its own genre.

Happy watching.

English cover opening

“Yosuga no Sora” Overview


| Warning: The following text may contain spoilers to the anime and are purely opinion based. See Here for synopsis and other factual details on this anime. |


Welcome to this overview of this very questionable anime.

I would like to enclose a further warning:

  • The following text you’re about to read is going to contain very vulgar language, and words that those with strong Will and mental stability should only be allowed to continue reading from this point onwards.
  • Also personal stories may be added in this overview
  • From here on out, any affect on you after this warning is due to no fault of my own and I bare no responsibility for you what so ever.

So how shall we start this? Here take a listen to their OST.

At the very beginning you follow a brother and sister who are happen to be travelling on their own to another place. We notice that they have a special kind of relationship, the kind that we can clear see that they depend on each other. Later on in the story we find out that they have lost their parents and are moving back into the old town they grew up in.

This is all great stuff as the story in this point was very interesting as we learn about their history and how they end up this way. Also from this point they start introducing characters. Great. Good pacing in the anime.

By time I reach around ep 4, they had established a happy ending with one of the characters. Now as a male I’m like “How typical but hey I get you. Go for the girl who had big tits. That’ll appeal to the audience.” This is where the anime had lost some viewers but also where they gained fans. However considering this being an older anime, I thought the art was alright, the pace of the story was great, the music was beautiful and I was genuinely interested in watching more of the anime. That was till it showed the uncensored nudity. Most animes these days don’t bother displaying any of this as this usually ruins the viewing experience so this game to a shock to me. So I don’t about you guys but I have lived in a backwards world where one person wouldn’t say anything but would expect the other person just to know. To be honest, this is what has made me really blunt when people talk to me. And yet we learn to read between the lines so when that happens to us again, we know what to do next. So much assuming, so many mistakes. At the end of ep 4 they decide to show the sexual uncensored interaction between the main character and the girl. This was painful to watch and painful to remember. Why? Because it was very similar to my first sexual experience with a girl. They portray the inexperienced couple sitting on the edge of the bed as they perform a passionate kiss while he caresses her chest before she just lays on the bed helplessly and he assumes the position and performs. 

At this point I knew the situation far too well and after the visual shock I started getting memories and feelings of the anime “School days”. This was before they had introduced a whole load of girls before showing the sexual scene and I thought “Just how are you going to fuck this girl over and fuck every other girl too before I’m going to hate again myself again for being male? How are you going to deny and lie saying how its not your fault and cry?” At this point I already started hating myself and my feelings got so strong that I decided to go to stop watching the anime and go to bed.

I woke up the next day feeling like shit. My feelings from the night before clearly made enough of a impact where I just stayed in bed all afternoon. I really do hate my old self. The amount of torment I was putting myself through seemed never ending. This is the way feel anyway, I might as well get some closure on this and finish the anime. At least this way I could put all this hatred in one box and just throw it storage.

Ep 5. Everything was different. It was almost like we’ve been throw back in time and the previous story never happened. The story changed from the main character and that girl to the main character and that girl’s sister. Who also had a back story. Great, the back story was a refreshing touch. Do you know what wasn’t refreshing? The sexual scene. Remember how I did rant not too long ago? Well this time the girl was a shrine maiden. The character talked about “Sin” and “cleanse”. I felt unholy, worthless, used and throw away. and this alternative time line didn’t help me what so ever. All of this hate now backed up with negativity. Just what the actual fuck am I feeling here? It isn’t a case of the dude was a fucking prick and harming the girl in terms of lust but now they’re going to bring a different element in where I’m going to feel evil and tainted about it? Seriously, If you want me to feel shitty about myself then you’ve clearly done it. Well done, your story was so good that you made me hate myself all over again.

Powering on, I was still seeking the closure that I was after. Nao. Her name was Nao. Forget the other two girls, they were like dreams, visions, fantasies. They show Nao to be the childhood friend and how they are perfect for each other. Shes’ sweet, kind, attractive, quiet, caring but again with her own back story. She raped him. She raped the main character when they were younger. At this point I wasn’t even shocked by the uncensored nudity and they continue to tell the story of how she had always blamed herself for doing that to him. Wana know a spoiler? Even though the story told us they he didn’t mind, he never said yes in that situation and didn’t know what the fuck was going on because in the end of that scene it shows him laying on the floor with dead eyes while she says goodbye and walks off. The story then continues to tell us how they date and become lovers, etc, inset another perverted sex scene where she has bigger boobs now because they’re older and he is taking charge because is male and fucking running on lust. Oh and did I mention that she wears glasses? 

We’re nearing the end of the anime at this point, roughly about 4 eps left? and basically it shows the sex scene where they do it in the house where only the main character and his sister live in. And the sister walks in on them and kicks her out. After some pacing  the sister then makes her choose and suddenly she feels lost in a world without him and blah, blah. She pulls off a disappearing act and the a montage of people go after looking for her. Nao finds her and happy ever after.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

They could have left that as the end and I would have been fine with it but it wasn’t. Do you want something more perverse? Something more wrong?

How about some sibling fucking? Yeah that’s right. Time to cross that line again. What is your stand point of fucking your own brother/sister. Where is the moral line here? I get that everyone has their own taste and everyone is entitled to their own preference. But in my opinion it the same as religion. You can have one, you can do whatever you want with it. Just don’t force it upon me. I don’t care what you do, just don’t expect me to do it too. If its something that will harm me then I won’t do it. The last three eps are just how the want to forget about society’s rules and lust over each other. Great, fine. I don’t care but you know when people are catching on and you want to keep it a secret then you should keep the PDA down. Or if you’re going to fuck in behind the front door then you should at the very least lock the damn door. But no, the drama comes in when the main character meant to be girlfriend (Nao in this case) see them fucking when she opens the door.

So where is the closure in all this? Well they decide to move again, away from that town and try to make themselves happy with each other. The brother and sister now.

Christ. All of this. Just. What.

At the very least I can say that the art style for the nipples were better than most tv animes which decide to show nipple. As the ones in this actually had different sized areola compared to the usual dot.

Oh! and last thing to say about this anime. After each ep, there was a little mini story with the main character and maid which was meaningless in a way but in another way, it kept the anime somewhat sane with its jokes and etc as I am pretty sure the anime would have been way to dark and depressing before it got to the morally questioning parts.

So would I recommend this? Yes and no.

Yes because it might make you grateful for what you have, to cherish your partner and to be thankful of them and all that jazz.

No because if you felt the way I did in School Days then you’ll won’t want to feel it again by watching this.

Hope this help and Thanks for reading.

Nex.

We are each entitled to our own happiness.

Loneliness sucks.

No like seriously, nothing is worse than just feeling lonely for an extended period of time.

So usually when one person is feeling this way it’s because you got use to one way and suddenly its taken away from you. whether its within your control or not.

A few weeks ago, I need a change of scene, so I went out to see my friends for 4 days straight. It was possibly one of the best times I’ve had in a while. Especially one of them went through the effort of making me treats like soft white chocolate cookies. (It was seriously delicious, what I would do for that girl is beyond anyone’s imagination) And after those days, I went back to my usual lifestyle of just waking up; making and eating tasteless meals; searching for jobs; bed. And as this sounds, its grey, dull, lifeless and boring. Every now and again I would look for a distraction whether that is watching anime or playing video games. See, when it comes to anime, I can just watch 12/24/52 episodes straight because during that time, my eyes and mind is engaged in something and I don’t have to think about anything. Same goes for gaming as it’s usually a friend or more playing together which means social interactions even though it just means playing and not actually having a conversation. So all of this gives temporary happiness but as it seems, its temporary. In between episodes, times when I’m not playing, I have nothing to do and my mind just reminds me that I’m a lonely individual with no one.

Pathetic.

I don’t remember how I use to do it. For the past week or two I’ve been trying to find ways to get out of this feeling of being pathetic, keeping myself occupied, making better use of myself. At times I’ve found some ways but it always ends up back to here. So after two weeks (?) I find myself typing on here in hope that my future self can read this and know exactly what to do when feeling this way. Or that when I do manage to over come this and for some reason return back in this position again that I will remember the steps I took to get back out of it.

 

For now, I will continue to rant.

Friends are a wonderful thing. Why? because anything can happen from them. You can love, hate, get annoyed and even do the impossible with them. If there is anything I’ve learn recently is that “friendship” is not a state where fix rules apply to all, its a state where the rules are applied, changed and sometimes broken but its still a “friendship”.

This will sound weird, but remember the saying “friends let you see, best friends let you touch” or a saying close to that which is just an perverted excuse for people to sexually touch others? Well it sounds like a dream to some but its a whole different thing when you witness it. Now I’ve spoken to friends about boobs and sex; Hell I’ve even give advice on anal but you know when you cross that line when you’ve seen them naked. This is what I mean by the rules are “changed and sometimes broken” but quite honestly, I’m not the type to shun someone because of something like that. In fact, I accept them because its a part of who they are. Don’t get me wrong, I mean there are those who I’ve mistakenly seen more of because of swimming or accidentally walked in on them changing, but nothing is funnier than having a conversation about nipple piercings then being dragged into a changing room and being show them. Though it has to be said, it does warm my heart knowing that they trust me enough to show me.

Anyway, back to topic, you know the feeling of when you check facebook and you see people online but you don’t want to bug them because you don’t want to seem desperate, lonely, dependant on them but yet all you want to do is be a service to them in every way possible? Yeah. That’s exactly how I am. I want to be useful, helpful in every way possible. I want them to be able to depend on me, no matter how big or small. Of course this sound creepy cause it sounds like I’m some kind of masochist that wants them to wear their highest heel and to step on me but with this joke aside; I don’t mind being treated like an object by them. Not because I lack self respect but because I know that they would never take it too far. They would never draw blood out of me instead they needed my blood for transfusion or something. It’s like “I’m a soldier and I will follow my leader all the way” except that I choose who I want to follow as my leader. A leader will never put their soldiers purposely in harm’s way because they care for them. If I can’t find a leader to follow then I will lead trying to protect those that I care about.

;Throw up; Enough of that. My mind is all over the place and these late nights are no help at all. Anyway, If you have read this far then I would like to thank you. You may not know who I am but for some reason you’ve read through all of this pointless text and gotten to know me a little more. So, Thanks. Oh and dear future self: Keep looking forward.